Sunday, November 23, 2008

Time Travel In A Spray

This story takes place 28 years in the past and 27 years in the future. We start in the future. I will invent a spray that let me see time. Some say I simply ran across the spray and didn’t actually invent it. However, I was the first to figure out how to use spray-on deodorant to go back in time.

At first I could only see a field that was sort of glowing around me. With practice I was able to move in and around the field. I realized I was moving in time. It was a good thing I took it slow because as I moved in time I remained in place. This may not seem like much but you have to remember the earth is spin at something like 600mph and the earth is moving around the sun. With some practice I found I could surf through time and remain in the same relative place. It was exhausting, but with practice it became somewhat easier.

For weeks I wondered what I could do with Time Spray. I finally came up with a plan while watching baseball.

I went to bed early and ate a big breakfast the next morning. I went to the bank. This branch has been around since the 60s. They have a clock on the wall with a calendar on the deposit desk. In the rest room I sprayed a heavy dose around me and took off. I rode a time wave back to 1980. First thing I did was get a meal. I had about a hundred dollars in pre 1981 money on me. I took a nap. Although I was moving through time, it seemed like it took about four hours to surf back 55 years; I was worn out.

For my next jump I allowed myself to drift against the time current so I was also moving east. I popped back in the time stream in Detroit. I found the apartment. I heard a shotgun blast. I checked my watch, the police report must have been off. I jumped back another five minutes and fine tuned my reentry for maximum affect. I pulled up as the shotgun pellets were in mid-air. I sprayed Dean Stratton with Time Spray. Yes, Dean Stratton the famous Detroit Tiger’s baseball player.

Back in 1980 the Detroit Tigers were ridding high and looked unstoppable. They would probably win the pennant if not for the untimely murder of Dean Stratton. For the entire season, my friends and I had followed the path of the Detroit Tigers from bums to heroes. My fortunes were tied to the Tigers. I was gambling and it seemed I couldn’t lose. When Dean Stratton was killed in 1980, not only did the Tigers lose their star player but they lost their playoff hopes, and I lost all my college savings.

I grabbed Dean Stratton and pulled him out of his frozen time stream.
"Hey, what’s going on? Who are you?" Dean asked.
"My name’s Craig. I’m here to rescue you."
"Rescue me from what? Say, where did you come from? I didn’t see you come in."
"I came through time, to pull you out. You'll be dead in a couple seconds."
"What kind of cock and bull story is that?"
"See that guy with the shotgun? Notice the pellets suspended in mid-air? Do you know who that is?" I asked.
"No. Who is that?"
"That is the boyfriend of the girl you’ve been missing with."
"How do I get out of this?"
"We’re going to go back in time; then you call the police and slip out the back."

I took his hand and told him, "This is going to feel a little weird but don’t fight me."
I pulled him backwards about fifteen minutes. It was harder to surf with a novice than I thought.

"Okay, you got about fifteen minutes to call the police and make your get away."
"How can I thank you?"
"Just keep playing as well as you have and stop messing with other guy’s women."
"How to I get a hold of you?"
"You can’t. Right now I’m just a college student at Moorhead State University. I’ve never met you and any thing you tell me would sound silly and strange. I’m coming to you from 55 years in the future. Your best bet is to keep this little event to yourself. No one will believe you. They will think you’ve lost your mind.

Dean shook my hand and I said goodbye. I gave myself another dose of Time Spray and surfed 55 years back into the present- no sweat.

The Tigers didn’t win the World Series but they did win the AL Pennant that year. There was a new MSU diploma on my wall next to a photo of Dean Stratton with myself and all my friends. I guess he did find a way to thank me.

Sunday, March 09, 2008

Achilles And Myrmidon Acne

The Myrmidon were Trembling and wait for the necessary 0.1 ointment protopic cream for their outbreak of eczeme. Achilles was expecting crowds to clamor for minocycline but as a unit this dose was rung out. Erect with Levitra the warlike Myrmidons impressed their maids, who were debating treating Achilles' shingles with acyclovir vs valtrex but there was scepticism which one? Princess Eurymedousa was taking razadyne for dementia and fluoxetine for her depression (no one believed her story about the ant) the interaction wasn't good. As Achille's ship's mast dipped below the horizon the Myrmidons went home and brushed their teeth with fluoride toothpaste in perfect synchronization. Their hypochondriasis was moderated somewhat by fluoxetine and Eurymedousa's daughter Annie Lennox singing.

When night arrived that song lingers and Eurymedousa breaks didrex tables in half. Obese Cressida downs them and injects them with similar results. She takes pioglitazone for her diabetes- its chemical structure is nice but she likes how it fits her pockets. Mendelism and ant-ism stresses the Myrmidon, they have handed the stress ulcers with aciphex yet on their message board it comes in a poor second to tazorac for their terrible acne and wrinkles but they were just going through the motions.

Having resolved to fight the wing people the Myrmidon caught up with their mescaline supplier, the better to get a miralax prep mixture. The Myrmidon youths can hardly be blamed for suicidal thoughts after taking trazodone for sleeping blindness.

AEneas (leader of the Dardanians, allies to the Trojans, lieutenant of Hector, and son of the Trojan king Priam) marched to Myrmidon imposing an order upon their finest pharmacists: a xalatan order for his glaucoma and the blest gods filled the order and also sold Aeneas some meclizine to combat nausea and vomiting after he stopped at Cressida's restaurant and alcohol store. The Next day Achilles returned and cut off Aeneas's nose. this nose rhinoplasty (and other limbs) was painfull, but Achilles was merciful and prescribed azmacort or a generic for azmacort- it was running low in at the village inns acctually guidelines and rules prevented name brands from being prescribed to enemies. Achilles had is own medical troubles. He was taking plavix under-the-counter. He could not own up to his short comings and thought any weakness a disgrace to the Myrmidon hive. mdma accidents generally went unreport. They owed Achilles a explaination, but as he stepped ashore the Myrmidon told him the problem is sarafem, the same as prozac. Aeneas left defeated.

The next invaders according to myth were Metallica, supposing such a thing happened as they were looking to barter some ecstasy for five gold records by metallica. Lars Ulrich brought these things but after seeing Annie Lennox thought some alesse contraceptive pills or a generic might be better. But Lars wasn't the only one looking for Annie's favors. Alcmaeon the last king of Athens was in town. Ajax was also looking for the honour of Annie's lofty pillow tops. Ajax was outside her bedroom with his atrovent inhaler in hand. Alcmaeon orchestered a meeting under the stands at the coliseum. The tazorac cream Ajax use d for danger was missing. Alcmaeon stole it hoping Ajax would die in the sun. Agamemnonson of King Atreus of Mycenae warned Ajax about the plan Alcmaeon proposes and seized accolates from the people of Salamis for saving their leader. They rewarded him with 10 mg of a leading herpes treatment. Surprisingly Lars remained sober and found his way into Annie's bed. He also found a prescription for acyclovir on her counter, which explained the itching in his nether regions.

The Myrmidons metabolite intermediates (ants) were invested in getting rid of all these foreigners in Annie's bed. They Joined battle only to be defeated. However, soon Alcmaeon, Ajax, and Agamemnon left with Lars and infections of their own. Their urinary tract infections would be cleared up in time using keflex on their wounds. They would be more careful next time with this magnificent woman from Myrmidon.

The Myrmidons celebrated with elidel pimecrolimus, which had shown much efficacy for eczeme, and looked for Annie. The Myrmidons spat her name on the soil. Medina invited Absyrtus into Annie's tent, they cut him into pieces for the Medina's father and the Myrmidon's to find. This was a common method to hide from angry crowds. It pays to be proactive.

Further study on pioglitazone explains fractures on Cressida's limbs. The Myrmidons, desperate for a cure have made a decision to try some minocycline although it's out of date- the drug doesn't work. The levitra tablets turn their limp members into spires. The Myrmidons dwelt in the beds of their women and would also place sacks over their heads and follow up with a course of amoxil antibiotics. The side effects affected every man who stuffed his spire- more acne.

The Myrmidon's and their leader Achilles did better once their crazy Ant-Queen Eurymedousa died, and her infected daughter Annie disappeared. Their acne cleared up! The Myrmidons praised Achilles for this improved in their lives. The Myrmidons of Greek myth were known for their loyalty to their leaders- now you know way.

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Thursday, March 06, 2008

Ancient Greek Pharmacology

Your common man when presented with a heavenly apparition will not be much of a witness. This is particularly true if they are taking doxazosin mesylate for high blood pressure and have had a restful night's sleep. Now, if someone is on an antidepressant like venlafaxine (Effexor) they will take the son at face value. Normally a Celestial panoply will frighten the average man. ghb (Gamma-Hydroxybutyric acid, a neuroprotective therapeutic drug) will bide it's time inside him and a lawsuit will soon follow unless treated with a synthroid like Levothyroxine but even this will make you uneasy heavenly panoply or not. Boeotians of ancient Greece ever foolish provoked Alexander, by dosing his boyfriend with biaxin (a macrolide antibiotic in a 150mg filmtab thinking) could have helped his patron more than buying opium seeds. The Boeotians thought they were protected by the immortals. Little did they know the norco pipeline contained only acetaminophen would co-op their position with Alexander and his ill-fitting trousers. Dreadful they said the congregate popped some cartia xt 300mg escaping being frightened to death, at the maximium and at the minumum having erosion and ulceration of the esophagus relieved by protonix and dosing eucalion until they saw the heavenly apparitions. Although you may think it was Uncommon for the ancient Greeks to have access to modern medicines, many of the local plants worked on or are axons in the human brain and ketamine a dissociative anesthetic, is used for human and veterinary medicine. ontmorency tart cherries are one plant that does nutraceutical, as tested by the University of louisiana. The Greeks also took serzone until their attorney advised them of possible liver damage, so they cut down their meds to one terbinafine 250 mg tablets and noticed a slowness in their recovery. They Shot heaven with arrows hoping to awake the immortals with pinpricks, so the heaven apparition would rain down death on Alexander and pharmaceuticals for the Boeotians. They wanted both. The older Greek men were particularly interested in levitra, which an ancient advertising agency has evidently said can help you with the treatment of erectile dysfunction. They prayed and waited. Popping ranitidine for their peptic ulcers with a side of vermox tablets for their tapeworms. They shivered. Confused only about being gay either the makers of relafen felt horrid and changed the brand name of cyanocobalamin to homoballaman and yet that ketamine was a good buy for their huntresses as a battlefield anaesthetic. "Spurn the drug. Toss it down nothing but propecia for our warriors with male-pattern baldness," demanded the king. "This is not for sale in the slums. And no information on lanoxin from heaven or from the foxglove plant will strengthen our heart or our will!" The premarin lawyer was gladheartened. Others regard the King's words. Was he worrying about the zanaflex patient with muscle spasms. What progam would mean much? What patience could pass the army's rigorous drug test with lasix in their urine? The doom the people felt who have doyen for lsd year biology. Patroclus Achilles' best friend quits supposedly out of unity for Alexander. The Boeotians compare omeprazole 40 mg versus rabeprazole and their actions become clear. aid Alexander, deny the heavenly apparitions, and the ulcers are gone. The compazine antipsychotic stops their vertigo reactions this document witnesses. The Boeotians lose their independence to Alexander, lose their highly developed pharmacology, and lose the protection of the immortals.
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Monday, March 03, 2008

Tarzan Installs Red Hat 6.2 Linux

September 5th Tarzan wasn't so sure he wanted to install Linux on the family computer, "Ara", but it was on Jane's list of things to do. Cheetah, their pet chimp, had already freed up 2gb by partitioning the hard drive.

Tarzan wanted to get rid of the ISA sound card and deleted the machine profile which contained it. This sound card wasn't up to the task of recording Tarzan's pand (thunderous) jungle cry. Jane had come back from the village with a new PCI sound card and a book "Red Hat Bible". Tarzan copied the leftover MP3 files on the D: partition. They wouldn't play on the stereo but they did play on the computer. Jane thought the Joliet formated CDs were the problem. This was fine- Cheetah could still play his favorite songs.

Tarzan installed Linux. It wouldn't install on a Windows partition. He asked Cheetah to create a Linux partition. Cheetah didn't know how and the dumb book didn't say how many, what size or how to create them. The problem was solved when Tantor the elephant came by with the right combination. Linux installed. Tarzan turned his attention to installing the Gnome GUI (Graphical User Interface).

Tarzan was proud of himself. Just a few short years ago he was a ape man swinging on vines with no human contact. Now he was a valuable member of society running a state-of-the-art 'Open Source' operating system. He was able to solve the installation problems with the help of his wife, Jane, or with the help of one of his many jungle friends. The massive "Redhat Bible" tome was of little value except to beat Histah, as the snake tried to sneak up and strangle Cheetah.

Tarzan was worried because if anything went wrong he would have no way of fixing it. The nearest tech support was four days away. Jane was impressed and praised Tarzan's strength and cunning, but she was a little fast with the praise. Ara had no mouse (sord Pamba, bad Rat) support. Nothing in the book told Tarzan what to do. Tarzan raised a great cry for help. Many of his friends responded, "Gorgo" the buffalo, "Bara" the deer, "Duro" the hippo, "Bhuto" the rhino, even "Horta" the boar tried to help the mighty ape man solve this problem. They had plenty of suggestions- mostly involving rocks or "Arad" (his spear) but to no avail. Tarzan had no mouse control in Linux and Jane was sad. Tarzan wrote down some things to check. He wasn't getting anywhere until he checked with the wise "Zanzi" (the spider) web. Zanzi told him to run Mouseconfig, which solved the mouse trouble and to run Sndconfig, which got the sound working.

Tarzan I looked through the book again for more yo-knowledge and played with Linux. Tarzan and Jane found Linux interesting but I couldn't see why they would want to use it for anything. Even Cheetah became bored using MySQL to keep track of his bananas. Cheetah set the multi-boot to Root rather than use his 'Cheetah' user account. At first the protection was nice but the constant denial of permission caused Cheetah to fling his poop at Ara. This made Jane mad.

Three Goros (moons) went by. Ret Hat Linux on Ara was a Hondo (hornet) in their side. It was time to bundolo (kill) Linux. Cheetah deleted the sord (bad) Linux partitions. Tarzan booted back into Windows 98 SE2 and peace had returned to the jungle.

Saturday, January 05, 2008

The Story of Lawnmower Man

The hopelessly hopeless man tries to find an obscure piece of crap that still works as a pure typing machine.

lawn-mowerHey, I can't get my self-propelled lawnmower to work!
Where is my hammer?
Bam Bam.
Now it's in pieces.
Hey, where is my epoxy?
I got to get this stupid thing glued back together.
I got this fast drying cement, so after 15 minutes later, I pulled on the cord and off it went. Unfortunately, I had the drive engaged and off it went down the street. I got on my bicycle and followed as it headed for the river. Sure enough it jumped the bank and was now zooming down the streets in Moorhead. At this point I gave up. I hope this doesn't come back to bite me in the ass.

A couple days later I noticed in the paper an odd article about a mysterious benefactor who was going door-to-door mowing old lady's yards. Another article was about a vandal who was knocking down fences in the ritzy part of town.

A month later I put up my garage door and there it was. I didn't give much thought to how it got there, or how it managed to put the garage door up and get it down again. It was out of gas, so I had to drive clear across town to pick up the special mixture of gasoline and oil that it loves.

When I got back I tried to start it. I pulled on the rope but it fell off. I reattached it but it still wouldn't start. I checked the spark plug and I could see it was fouled. I cleaned it in gasoline and then filed and re-gapped the plug. It started right up.

I guess I didn't learn my lesson because it took off down the street again. I got on my bike and this time I headed directly for the river in order to cut it off. I waited a couple minutes. It didn't show up. Obviously it outsmarted me.

I went back home and went to bed where I dreamed of green grass and ridding mowers.