Biff believed in Santa Claus. He was thirty-five years old and believed in Father Christmas. Biff realized his sister had lied to him about Santa Claus. Santa wasn't his father, but a real saint. A big fat bastard that drove around in a sleigh delivering presents to kids. Santa didn't deliver presents to all the boys and girls- that would be impossible. Just the parents who were too poor, stupid, or drunk to provide gifts in honor of Jesus' birth.
In on a secret?
Hell, the secret was there was no secret.
Biff was convinced that he was one step ahead of his sister on that one.
Once Biff rediscovered Santa Claus, vampires were not far off...
When the Christmas presents were opened, the wrapping paper was in the garbage, and the Christmas tree was on the boulevard, Biff saw vampires everywhere. Vampires swarmed into Toledo every New Years Day and stayed until Halloween, when the Santa chased them out. It was no use wearing garlic or waving a cross around. The citizens of Ohio had made their peace with the blood suckers but not with a smelly and slightly deranged Biff.
Biff was one step ahead of his sister on the issue of vampires, in that his sister didn't understand what the hell Biff was talking about. Biff put away his garlic and tucked his cross into his shirt.
As he explained to his sister, "I don't have to outrun the vampire, I just have to outrun you."
"Thanks a lot."
"Hey, I thought you didn't believe in vampires."
"I don't, but at least you could protect me in your delusions."
Buffy gave her brother the stink eye. Yes, 'Biff and Buffy' - their father had a warped sense of humor; one that was lost on his kids.
Months later, shortly after Labor Day, the father arrived in Toledo and called his children to visit. When they arrived Biff and Buffy were arguing. It was the same old argument about Santa Claus and vampires. The father stood quietly as his children argued back and forth.
Buffy turned to her father and said, "Tell Biff it was you all those years delivering his Christmas presents."
"Yes, it was me."
"See, I told you so," shouted the excited Buffy.
"This is what I came here to tell you. Buffy, Biff isn't 100% wrong to believe in Santa. You're both old enough to hear what I have to tell you. I am Santa Claus (of Ohio™)."
Both Biff and Buffy turned to look at their old man: fat, bearded, and jolly.
"Dad, you have always been weird but this takes the cake," Biff responded. His sister nodded her head in agreement. It was the first time this month she agreed with Biff.
"Whether you believe in Santa Claus or not, I am he. I've come early because I'm getting too old to be chasing vampires around Toledo."
"Don't tell me you think there are vampires in Toledo too!" shouted Buffy.
"Buffy my little pumpkin, vampires are real. A real pain in the ass. I have to chase them out of town every holiday season, but it is getting to be too much. Every year there are more and more vampires in town and I can't convince the powers that be to kick off the holiday season any earlier than November 1st."
"Dad, how long have you known about Toledo's vampire problem?" Biff asked.
"For as long as I have been Santa, and that has been a long time."
"What can we do about it?"
"Well, Biff I've studied the literature and have figured out if you kill the vampire who made you, you stop being a vampire. It turns out there is one vampire who made all the others."
"Who is that?" asked Buffy.
"I bet it is Count Dracula" said Biff.
"You are correct. I found out he is still in town. Dracula doesn't know I'm back in town. I have a plan but I need your help."
"You can count on me dad," announced Biff.
"What about you Buffy?"
"I think you're both crazy. Santa Claus? Vampires? Count Dracula! You should be committed."
"I need your help. If we are crazy no harm can come from it but if we're not you will have helped rid Toledo of vampires.
"What do you have in mind?"
At midnight Buffy was outside the Valentine Theatre in lovely downtown Toledo. She was approached by a tall man who was wearing a cape.
"Miss, my name is Count Dracula. Don't be afraid, I only want to drink your blood."
"Get lost creep."
With that the count attacked Buffy. In the scuffle Santa Claus snuck around the corner and grabbed the count.
"Dracula, I've got you now."
"Santa, at last we meet. Unhand me and I will let you go unharmed."
"Nothing doing Dracula. You tried to vampirize my daughter. I can't let this go unpunished."
"The second you release me I will attack you too. You are finished."
"No, you dirty vampire, it is you who are finished," announced Biff as he came around the corner with a stake and wooden mallet.
Dracula struggled but Santa held him tightly.
The stake broke through Dracula's chest and found his black heart. Another stroke and the stake had stilled the mighty vampire's heart. The heart turn to dust as did the rest of him, leaving only his clothes.
At that exact instant dozens of bats were surprised mid-flight.
"I think these clothes may fit me," pondered Biff.
"Wow, you guys weren't nuts after all." Buffy injected.
"Finally that problem is solved. I can go back to the North Pole (Nelsonville, OH 45764) and get some work done. You know for years I've had to subcontract with Toys R Us because I've been so busy chasing vampires. Now the elves and I can go back to carving wooden toys for all the girls and boys. I want to thank the two of you. I couldn't have done it without you."
With that, the story is over. Santa Claus (of Ohio™) returned to the North Pole. Buffy and Biff Claus went to Denny's (on Monroe Street) for an early breakfast.
