The Story of Lawnmower Man

The hopelessly hopeless man tries to find an obscure piece of crap that still works as a pure typing machine.

Hey, I can't get my self-propelled lawnmower to work!
Where is my hammer?
Bam Bam.
Now it's in pieces.
Hey, where is my epoxy?
I got to get this stupid thing glued back together.
I got this fast drying cement, so after 15 minutes later, I pulled on the cord and off it went. Unfortunately, I had the drive engaged and off it went down the street. I got on my bicycle and followed as it headed for the river. Sure enough it jumped the bank and was now zooming down the streets in Moorhead. At this point I gave up. I hope this doesn't come back to bite me in the ass.

A couple days later I noticed in the paper an odd article about a mysterious benefactor who was going door-to-door mowing old lady's yards. Another article was about a vandal who was knocking down fences in the ritzy part of town.

A month later I put up my garage door and there it was. I didn't give much thought to how it got there, or how it managed to put the garage door up and get it down again. It was out of gas, so I had to drive clear across town to pick up the special mixture of gasoline and oil that it loves.

When I got back I tried to start it. I pulled on the rope but it fell off. I reattached it but it still wouldn't start. I checked the spark plug and I could see it was fouled. I cleaned it in gasoline and then filed and re-gapped the plug. It started right up.

I guess I didn't learn my lesson because it took off down the street again. I got on my bike and this time I headed directly for the river in order to cut it off. I waited a couple minutes. It didn't show up. Obviously it outsmarted me.

I went back home and went to bed where I dreamed of green grass and ridding mowers.