National Waterboy League Week 10 Review

It was a big day in the NWBL so lets get right to our four key game recap.

The North Central Conference saw the match up of the top seated Green Bay Packers against a newly re-energized Minnesota Vikings. The running game dominated the day, or should I say the lack of a running game. The Packer defense effectively benched Adrian Peterson- last week's player of the week. On the other side of the ball, Brett Farve was able to find receivers at will, and on the ground the Packers were able to find their feet and run for over 150 yards in their 34-0 shutout victory. But more importantly the Packers were able to pound down 27 gallons of water and 36 gallons of Gatorade compared to the desert-like consumption of the visiting Vikings. "We weren't doing much on the field or on the sidelines," said Minnesota Tight End Garrett Mills, " I feel we let down our coach and our Water Boy, Dennis. Dennis was begging us to keep hydrated but as the score became more lopsided we just didn't keep up with our fluids."
John Kuhn, who had a great day on the field, responded for the victorious Packers, "Coach told us to stay on our toes. Whenever he saw us standing around Coach McCarthy would bark out, 'Quit standing around Kuhn, and get some Gatorade.' I have to hand it to our coach and Pepper our Water Boy. I don't think I've been as hydrated during a game. If you'll excuse me I have to use the rest room."
"Dangers caused by overexposure to high temperature and humidity are preventable if coaches and players know the early warning signs and stay cool and hydrated. Simple steps like allowing for acclimatization, adjusting the intensity of practice to environmental conditions and access to properly formulated sports drinks can make all the difference." said Pepper Burruss, head athletic trainer and waterboy for the Green Bay Packers.

6'1" Chad Johnson had four receptions for 73 yards helping his Cincinnati Bengals beat the hapless Baltimore Ravens 21-7. Johnson attributed his success today on the field to his pre-season training. "…Nowhere (is) more intense than an NFL Training Camp, players working their hardest to get ready for the grueling football season. Hard work means lots of sweating, which could lead to dehydration. Every NFL player knows to drink Gatorade to keep their bodies hydrated. It's the safe and smart thing to do. And, Gatorade tackles dehydration head-on. Drinking Gatorade ensures every player is prepared to sustain peak performance."

After the losing to the San Diego Chargers 23-21, Indianapolis Colt quarterback Peyton Manning had this to say, "We struggled throughout today's game. It was obvious the Chargers had the advantage with gallons and gallons of Gatorade 'Lime Rain' sports drink. I feel our waterboy let us down. I've talked to the coach and he agrees something must be done. I'm hoping the owners will do the right thing and trade off some our better players to Denver. I'm convinced only this measure will convince Denver to trade Steve Antonopulos to our organization." When asked about their fourth quarter come back Manning said, "Guys were puking on the no-name sports drink our waterboy had set out. I sent my wife to the 7-11 down the block. I told her, 'Honey, grab as much Gatorade as you can find. Stop at another store if you have too but fill up the back of the pickup!' She was a real trooper. If she hadn't gotten pulled over for speeding- who knows we might have won this game."

One day after his father died, SF Coach Mike Nolan tried unsuccessfully to get his team a win, but the 49er's were no match for the better coached and hydrated Seattle Seahawks. The Seahawks dried up the 49er's post-season hopes 24-0.
Cornerback Walt Harris spoke for most of the San Francisco team when he said, "core temperature is not necessarily associated with either percentage of dehydration or sweat rate. It wasn't even 50 degrees- I certainly wasn't sweating, but I was having trouble with dehydration."
Seattle Wide Receiver Nate Burleson said, "Our field data does not support the common dogma that the heaviest sweaters or most dehydrated players are at the greatest risk for developing high core temperatures because exercise intensity and dehydration were not controlled. This does not negate the well-known relationship between increasing dehydration and increasing core body temperature. Our waterboy has studied this in detail and we believe our hydration practices give us a leg up over at team like the 49ers who still believe talent and coaching are the keys to victory."

Victor Wins The Lottery

Saturday, the phone rang. It was my friend Victor. He was yelling incoherently about wining. "Craig, you have to get over here right away. I finally did it. We won!"
Normally I would just ignore this outburst and go back to watching television, but I was bored and there was something just a little bit odd in his voice.
When I got to his house, Arlene answered the door.
"Vic asked me to come over."
"I'm sorry but you've missed him."
"That's odd. He just called me. Where did he go?"
"I just got here myself but he left a note," Arlene replied
The note said he was in Moorhead, "Meet me downtown."
This was becoming a wild goose chase; yet I was still game.

As I approached 8th Street, I could see Victor running down the street with what looked like a gun in his hand. He waved me over.
"Craig I won. We won!" Vic shouted as I got out of the car.
"What are you talking about?"
"You know we've always talked about breaking down and buying a MN lottery ticket?"
"Yes?"
"Well, I was at M&H getting some gas. I decided to buy a ticket. By the way you owe me 50 cents. And it was a winner."
"So what did you win, this plastic squirt gun?" I joked.
"Two .. Million.. Dollars!!"
"You're shitting me!"
"No it's true. But there is a catch. Today was the last day of the lottery. You can buy up to $2,000,000 worth of products using this wedding registration gun. It has to be in Minnesota too. Today is the last day and it's already getting late- most of the stores have closed."
"If I understand this machine all you have to do is point it at the UPC code, so even if the store is closed if you can beam through the window and it will work."
As if to test the theory he turned around and bought a $12 model B-17 airplane.
"Hey it works."
"That maybe true but what are doing downtown, get over to the Moorhead Center Mall. Better yet try the car dealership," I said.

About the then the cops pulled around the corner with their lights flashing.
"Put that thing behind your back. Take my keys and I'll stay to explain. I'll meet you at the Moorhead Center Mall."
Victor quietly slipped into my van.

I was manhandled and driven to the ground. Thankful I wasn't tasered. I took me half an hour to explain. The problem was they weren't listening. I finally got them to call M&H and confirm my story.

When the police dropped me off at the Moorhead Center Mall, I found Victor trying to register a camera through the window of a photo store. I looked at the clock- time was up. Well, this was fun little adventure even if he didn't get much more than a kid's airplane model.
Victor was grinning, "I think I got it all!"
"How's that?"
"I think I spent all two million dollars!"
"What? Did you stop at the car dealership and buy his entire inventory?" I asked.
"No."
"Don't tell me you bought two million in jewelry at retail?"
"No."
"What did you do Teigen," I demanded.
"I bought a railroad."
I stood there dumbfounded.
"The stores were closed, I was having trouble getting this gun to work, and I only had a few minutes left, when I noticed the Land Office across the street. I asked, 'What do you have for two million dollars.' That got their attention. The hardest part was coming up with a UPC for me to scan, but the guy figured out how to generate one online, so I got a Railroad in this here gun!"
I was still dumbfounded, "What do you mean you have a railroad. What railroad?"
"It's a little bit of track, a bridge, and some rolling stock on the Glydon-Hawley Railroad."
"I've never heard of it."
"He said it was going to be a spur line that never got finished."
"I think you got taken."
"Well, lets run out there and check it out. I got the keys," Vic said while dangling a suspiciously small set of keys.

In Glydon we had to ask around. It wasn't a good sign. No one seemed to know what we were talking about. I finally call the police department, "Oh yes, Baker's Boondoggle. I can tell you where it is." The cop told us the tale of this railroad to nowhere, "It was an investment scheme that took a lot of people for a lot of money. I hope you boys aren't involved."

When we got to the shed I could see the sign hanging by one screw. But I knew it must be the place by all the profanity sprayed on the sides. The key fit the lock and we went inside. You couldn't see anything and of course there was no power. We walked around this 20-foot square shed and tripped over the rails leading into a side door.
Victor was opened the lock and slid open the door.
I asked, "I wonder what rolling stock the railroad owns?"
Sunlight illuminated the contents of the shed after Vic opened the door.
"You got to be kidding me. A handcart!" I yelled.
"But it's an electric handcart. And it shows a partial charge. Craig, let's go look at our railroad."
"I haven't given you the 50 cents yet and I'm not sure I'm going to."

I had to push the handcart to get it moving, but once rolling it picked up speed. We got to the Buffalo River and there stood our bridge. It looked in good shape but I was no engineer.
"I'm not going over that thing."
"I'm sure it's safe. It's designed for thousand ton trains and all we have is a handcart."
"Okay, but you're killing me here- lets just home not literally."

Once we safely crossed the bridge I had to admit it was a nice bridge. We continued down the railroad…
… about a block. The railroad ended as abrupt as it begun.
"Victor this isn't much of a railroad."
"Yes, I guess you're right."

Months went by. Victor did some research and found there was some salvage value but not much. The Minnesota Lottery commission was quiet about awarding this prize. The only winner was the Land Office.

One day Victor stopped by with an old green army bag.
"I found it down by the bridge. It was half buried. It has some open reel tapes I thought you might like."
"Ah, no." I replied, "I have no interest in old decayed tapes."
"But they're in pretty good shape, except this one, which had fallen out of the duffle bag and was half buried in the dirt. "
I thought I would humor Victor, so we looked through the bag. There were half a dozen open reel tapes and some personal effects. We looked through all the paperwork and found a name Otto Herman. The effects seem to date back to 1962. It was a mixture of English and German. Otto appeared to have come from Hamburg. We surmised he was probably a sailor riding the rails across America. Otto stopped in Moorhead and joined a rail crew working on this bridge to make a little money. He lost his tapes and books in a poker game. They had been sitting here since then.

Victor kept asking me about the tapes. Well he is my friend. I got my open reel out of the attic and spooled up one of the reels. The tapes played too fast. My Akai will go down to 3-3/4 inches per second but this was obviously recorded at 1-7/8 ips. I recorded it to my computer and cut the speed in half. I laughed at the old time polka music. Victor will get a kick out of this. I recorded the other reels of tape. Finally I scrapped the dried mud off the remaining reel. It was still dirty and I didn't want to screw up my Akai- even if I don't use it anymore. I got some distilled water and soaked the reel. Then I replaced the water and did this a couple more times. Finally I carefully un-spooled the tape and washed every inch of the tape. I let it dry and then re-spooled the tape.

"Kaiserkeller/Casbah Club" was penciled on the side of the reel. When I played the tapes they sounded vaguely familiar. But it wasn't until the tapes were slowed down on the computer that I realized, "This is the Beatles!"
I thought to myself, "Obviously this is just a copy of the Star Club tapes." But when I checked they weren't the same.

Victor was more interested in the polka tapes. "I could use them as a theme song for the Railroad!"
"What? What the hell are you talking about? Didn't you hear what I said, 'I've found early Beatle tapes.' They could be worth a small fortune. They will more than make up for your little railroad disaster."
Vic's eyes lit up, "You're right. With the money these Beatles tapes will bring we can probably finish building the railroad."