Breathe Goode Strips

Instructions

Sizing: Generally, if your nose is between sizes, use the smaller of the two sizes of Breathe Goode® nasal strips. If you have a big ugly nose, you can use multiple strips to cover it up.

Preparation: Wash your nose with our optional Craig Brand® Nose cleaner ($199.99) or with soap and water and thoroughly dry the surface of the nose. This is necessary since facial oils will combined with the adhesive of the strip and form hydrochloric acid.

Placement and Application: For maximum relief, correct placement of the Breathe Goode nasal strip very important. Place your index fingers on the sides of your nose between the eyes. Allow your elbows to touch. Slowly slide your fingers down the side of your nose applying slight pressure, until your eyes water. Raise your left leg, lean back as far as you can, now hold your breath. Your elbows should be below your shin; you should no longer be able to breathe through your nose. For most people, this will be painful. Without letting go, remove the protective backing. Hold the Breathe Goode nasal strip in the middle and center it over your nose at the proper location. Press the ends down. Gently rub until secure with a hot iron. Breathing should begin immediately. If not call 911. The Breathe Goode nasal strip needs to be well attached to the sides of the nose. If you have fragile skin, you my wish to use staples.

Removal: Removing the strip is best done quickly. First loosen all four tabs at the ends. Then pull both sides up fast. Discard the used Breathe Goode strip and any attached skin.

Exercising: Breathe Goode nasal strips may enhance breathing while exercising or sex. Put on one nasal strip and one condom, be sure not to confuse the two. This will enhance performance during intercourse. If you find the Breathe Goode strip loosening, you may wish to skip foreplay.

Caution: For external use only. Do not ingest. Do not use over sores, sunburned or irritated skin. (Do not use for more than 12 minutes per day.) Not to be used on children under five years of age unless they are causing a raucous.

ABNORMAL BREATHING: If you are told that you have periods of time when you stop breathing while you sleep you may be dead. Other symptoms include excessive sleeping, memory lapses, or decay. Death is a serious medical condition requiring accurate diagnosis and proper therapy. If you suspect this is the problem, please consult your local mortuary.

Comments: Please call Breathe Goode nasal strips toll-free at 1-800-BIG-NOSE

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Inventor's Story

I have always had difficulty breathing through my nose, so I decided to breathe through my mouth. As I got older I developed complications which made breathing impossible. I tried a variety of medications such as beer for relief, and soon became dependent on them.

Breathing through my nose at night became even more important after I developed a medical condition called snoring. I was unable to breathe adequately through my nose or my mouth. Before trying to sleep, I would push small tubes, wire forms, tissues, old banana peels, toothbrushes, toothpicks and rusty scissors into my nostrils to improve my breathing, but to no avail. Instead of helping me to breathe, many fell out or exploded.

Then one day it occurred to me I could gently pull my nostrils open from the outside. That’s when I came up with Breathe Goode® nasal strips - At first I used a system of pulleys and counter weights which didn't work very well. They would get caught in car doors, dragging my nostrils down the streets with me attached. Later I developed the flexible strip. Unfortunately, while I was experimenting with a stapling system to attach them to the nose, Mr. BC Johnson in Chanhassen stole my idea and rushed his Breathe Right® nasal strips to the patent office. I countered with a bobby pin and bandaid system which is patent pending. I felt both systems were equally valid. I challenged Mr. Johnson to a test: The Super-nose-bowl. I supplied the Dallas Cowboys and Mr. Johnson supplied the San Francisco 49ers. We lost. The Cowboys blamed my (superior) nasal strip. I maintain it was their weak defense. However, a deal is a deal and I’m force to license the Breathe Goode nasal strips from Mr. Johnson.

National Physician’s Support: Over 6100 physicians are currently sampling Breathe Goode nasal strips to their patients. This program includes ear, nose and throat doctors; allergy specialists; doctors of democracy; sex therapists; and witch doctors.

Customer Recommendations

“I was truly amazed that your product could give me so much relief with no side effects other than abnormal hair growth.”
- Harry Snozola, Ames IA

“After just-2 days of using your product, I feel 200% better-not just upon waking, but even while slopping my hogs.”
- J. Twohogs, Madison WI

“[My] problems have kept me from breathing for most of my life ... Upon application of the product, I had immediate relief and could breathe for the first time in many years.”
- Blue Indaface, Deep Breath AZ

“[My doctor] suggested I try Breathe Goode strips and I’m delighted to say they’ve produced a significant improvement in my breathing difficulties!”
- S. O'Ess, Riolinda CA

“I wondered how I had managed to spend over $5 for a few band aids with imbedded flexible strips. Now I think this was probably the best investment I have ever made.”
- Rush Limbaugh, New York, NY

Note: There can be no assurance that anyone will receive similar results from Breathe Goode nasal strips.

The above satire was written for an instruction sheet on a 1996 Christmas present. For a couple years I was giving out fake gifts modeled on actual products that I would relabel as my own.

James Howard Newman And His Newman Pneumatic Writing System

A recent patent filing by Apple Inc., for a pneumatic sensing keyboard brought back memories of the Newman Pneumatic Writing System. This short lived device seemed wondrous at the time, but was quickly eclipsed by the Wang Word Processor and the personal computer. Yet there was a time in the late 1960s when the ability to move words around on the page was impossible. The manual typewriter was difficult to master and mistakes were next to impossible to correct. James Newman with his Pneumatic Writing Systems looked to save all of us poor typers from endless corrections. The Newman system had such a nice feel and if the compressor was in another room, it was quiet with just a soft squishing sound on the keyboard.

Corrections were easy to deal with depending on how many letters you need to move or remove. You would select the corresponding size bulb out of the box. Squeeze the bulb and then place it next to the words you wanted to remove. Relax the bulb and the words would come up. Hold the bulb and placed it elsewhere in the document with a simple squeeze, or squeeze them into your edit towel to remove them.

I was looking forward to getting one of these machines before college. I figured I was halfway there as I had an air compressor. There were other options including foot powered bellows and 'the gate' which allowed you to inflate 4-12 balloons and use that air pressure- obviously that never was very popular. Fortunately, I got a Radio Shack Model TR-S80, before starting school. Unfortunately, the dot matrix printer never had the look- the beautiful typeface of the Newman.

I don't know how many people remember the Fttting trick. Some users would modify their Newmans by dropping the pressure level on their compressors, adding a pressure tank (to keep the pressure constant), and then setting the sensitivity as high as it would go on the Newman. Often opening the machine and changing the switches to make it even more sensitive. Then adding an inline 'Fttt-tube' and holding down the space key, the operator could 'talk' by making a Fttting sound into the tubes- an alphabet based on morse code- they could Fttt rather than type.

James Newman hated this. He felt it defeated the very purpose of his writing machine. He brought many lawsuits against the Fttters. Ironically it helped the personal computer industry by slowing acceptance of the Pneumatic Writing System.

Still the Newman Writing System had many innovations we see in today's word processors: such as proportional fonts, and 'Cut & Paste.' It should come as no surprise to learn Steve Jobs was a Fttter- before become enamored with the possibilities of the personal computer. Another famous Fttter was Bob Heil. Heil invented the Heil Talk Box in 1973, which was frequently used by musicians such as Peter Frampton, Joe Walsh, Joe Perry, and Richie Sambora. It is still in use today.

As a young inventor James Howard Newman was interested in Morse Code. He worked on a method of storing messages for later playback. He used an oxidized aluminum wire that was moved across a scrapper that was pneumatically controlled off a relay on the telegraph circuit. A scapper would remove oxidation on the wire as it traveled by. Once 'recorded' the wire was moved to a bell jar where the air was pumped out. (to prevent further oxidation.) To play the recording the wire was run over an electrical circuit. Where the oxidation was scraped off, the contacts would recreated the dots and dashes. ( early demo device) Much of this work found its way in his Pneumatic Writing Machine. It was also the basis of early magnetic wire recorders that later became tape recorders with the invention of inexpensive magnetic tape from 3M.

Newman held numerous patents in the fields of pneumatics and electronics. Unfortunately, none of his earlier inventions are in use today and can only be found in obscure museums such as the Technopolis located near Mechelen and the Information Technology Museum in Brussels. (Newman is still revered in Belgium.)

James Newman married Syree Dunton and had a long marriage that was marred by their inability to conceive a child. Elements of their story were used in the 1968 hit song "Words" by the Bee Gee's. It is also assumed that Apple Inc., named Siri, their new voice service, after Syree Newman.

Smile an everlasting smile, a smile can bring you near to me.
Don't ever let me find you gone, cause that would bring a tear to me.
This world has lost it's glory, lets start a brand new story now, my love.
Right now, there'll be no other time and I can show how, my love.

Talk in everlasting words, and dedicate them all to me.
And I will give you all my life, I'm here if you should call to me.
You think that I don't even mean,a single word I say.
It's only words, and words are all I have, to take your heart away

"Words" by The Bee Gees

lyrics © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc.,
Universal Music Publishing Group, EMI Music Publishing

Note: some elements of this story come from Wikipedia, but most are based on my memories. I apologize in advance for any errors.